An Alternative History Of Ythan Cycle Club

Have you ever watched "Time Team", a fly on the wall documentary made whilst on a historical dig? From the remains of a wall, they jump to conclusions about what a castle or church would have looked like. Can you imagine in two thousand years time on an archaeological dig, the conclusions that could be drawn about us? The following is a guesstimate of how a report might read.

It would appear that two thousand years ago, life was not as it is today. Tribes mostly composed of males lived in vast granite caves called "houses". The tribe on which we will concentrate was commonly known as YCC, pronounced "Yuck". The leader of the tribe was known as "Prez" more correctly referred to as "chief yuck". The tribe members or "cyclists" lived vast distances apart but communications were maintained by jungle drums called "phones" or occasionally over "the Internet". Their friendly neighbours were members of the DTCC tribe, pronounced "De-thick". The two tribes often quarrelled and this would culminate in battles known as "TTs" or "RRs"; these were frequently violent, bloody encounters evidenced by the number of broken bones most tribe members had suffered.

The Yuck tribe was not a healthy bunch. They suffered from an illness which struck on a weekly basis, usually on a Sunday morning, known as "the Training Runs". Whilst suffering from the illness members would babble nonsense uncontrollably, shouting about "football", "the pub" and "Scalextric". After a bout of illness, members were sometimes mentally and physically exhausted and would spend the rest of the day asleep.

There is a little confusion over their staple diet. It would seem that everyone announced that their staple diet consisted of a high carbohydrate substance called "pasta" or "rice", this is evidenced by writings in publications called "cycle mags". But judging by body composition and blood specimens their staple diet actually consisted of fatty foods known as "fish & chips".

Hunting for their food was a particularly arduous task. They would wear protective clothing in case of attack from wild beasts. They would dress in colourful clothing to frighten other animals and in order to give a warning that they did not taste good. Then they would set off in search of their "chipper". They would embark on the hunting trips carrying their spears or "bikes" between their legs. This must have been extremely uncomfortable and after long hunting trips they could hardly walk and would often stoop as if in pain.

They had a language of their own which we still do not comprehend. Using complex words like "Campag", "Shimano", "Aheadset" and "hub" simply to describe parts of their spears.

The tribes' main enemies were the wild animals known as "cars" and "buses". Attacks were frequent and injuries were often very serious. Whilst hunting through vast jungles known as "cities" there were many hazards. A particularly stupid species called "pedestrians" often simply wandered into the tribesmen's path. Singing a number of melodies entitled, "Oottheway", or "areyeblind" could easily scare these off. Other species such as "red lights" could easily be ignored.

The Yuck tribe would appear to have been very religious. They didn't believe in only one god but would pray to a number of gods called, "Boardman", "Guinness", "Beck's", "Whisky" and "Vodka" to name but a few. Prayer nights were long and gruelling and may have involved visiting a number of shrines over vast distances, also known as a "Pub crawl". Regardless of the god you prayed to, the ritual very seldom changed. The initial ceremony was known as "the sesh" and involved concentrated prayers to a number of gods. After the warm up ceremony was complete they would then begin praying in earnest, sit on their hands and knees before shrines known as "bogs" and chant in a loud voice, "Huey", occasionally the chant would change to "Oh God", or "Oh f**king hell", (sorry about that bit). The days following a Prayer night were conducted as periods of mourning. Known as "hangovers," they would be quiet periods when talking and loud noise was forbidden so as not to offend the Gods. During these times only a few words or phrases were allowed to be uttered, these were, "Never again" or "I'll never drink that bloody stuff again".

Many other tribes have been discovered but it would appear that the Yuck tribe was the most interesting and had the most interesting and most visited web site in the entire world. [At least this last bit is true - YCC webmaster].

Contributed by Alan Bond.

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